invocation of what's lighter
i’ve been reflecting a lot on the heaviness i’ve been carrying.
i’ve noticed the short-temperedness i’ve been exuding. the moodiness. i realized the other day that if i was outside of myself and saw myself, i’d tell myself to lighten up.
then that word stuck out to me: lighten.
how heavy i’ve been, what i’ve been carrying, how its metaphorical weight becomes literal. how that keeps me from making my next steps. when i find myself in the throes of the many avenues in front of me to choose from (what a blessing!), that those weights bear themselves onto my shoulders so i can’t move in any direction… and i spin out instead.
this is one behavior of many that i am leaving in the last decade.
i want to remind you, as i’ve reminded myself, that it is okay to be light. to feel light. and maybe i’m the one who needs the biggest reminder. maybe you’re reading this thinking, “no, yeah, i already am light, how ‘bout you?”
i’ve been conditioned by my own subconscious (which stems from the imprint of the first 6 years of my life), familial programming, and the repetition of learned behavior to expect the worst, project the worst, look out in fear. it’s amazing that i did everything i did in the last decade despite this. i actually wonder how someone can live in such conundrum constantly. but here i am. living proof.
like gwen stefani sang, “i find myself choking on all my contradictions.”
welp. aren’t we all?
it’s easier said than done: to leave the burdens behind. some days i float, eager and ready and excited for the ‘future,’ for all i’m going to create and do! how amazing life feels! how much i love everyone!
then specific realities set in… and there i am again in a whirlwind. because, i wonder, are those actual ‘realities’? or are those ‘realities’ that are desperately trying to remain in my psyche?
is it the EGO trying to hold me back, as they say? probably, but it’s more than that. it’s those old behaviors, mental conditions and restrictions.
it’s time to let new blood flow. to set my mind free.
(heh, just glanced up at the clock at 3:33).
what’s the quote: free your mind and the rest will follow? i’ve admitted to myself quite recently that i bear the weight of the world. i am an ‘empath’ who’s out of control, worrying about everyone else, adopting the energy of the room on sight… but this is not how things have to be. i’m learning now.
they can change, i can change, you can change, we can change.
we can adapt and move and be who we long to be… who we truly are underneath all the shedding that has yet to shake. i’m like a snake who, unlike other snakes, has stubbornly clung to every past shedding.
now i’m so weighed down by all my past skins that i can barely glide through the grass anymore. instead i am heaving myself, blade to blade, just to make it to my next meal.
enough is enough.
those dead layers have nothing for me. they provided all they could and i’m doing myself and the dead a disservice. by clinging, the skins can never dissolve and transmute back into the earth. and then i can not be free to embody the new me who awaits. who’s been waiting.
the most beautiful lesson of 2019 is that i don’t have to cling anymore. i don’t have to hold on. and i don’t have to carry. and this isn’t a snap-your-fingers kind of deal. this will take me effort, i know. this will take constant awareness and practice. but where constant awareness has often led me to the trap of anxiety, paranoia, overthinking, and depression… with the right attitude, awareness can instead be intentional, consistent (vs. constant), and alive.
i can buzz like the bee who’s excited to drink from the flower, rather than too busy trying to decide which flower to land on. i can weave the web of my life like the spider, patiently and diligently, instead of halting the work because it’s frazzled about the breeze blowing through it. i can let go, relax, embrace the peace and love that has found me, that i truly longed for. and i didn’t have to be ready to receive it, because it was coming for me anyway. it wasn’t until a year in that i have awakened to these thoughts in this way. to learn to let love in, let abundance in, let peace in. and shed everything that doesn’t align.
sharing this because while i was contemplating all of this, ram dass passed forth and this was shortly popping up everywhere. messages are always right on time.
shedding is a slow process. but i see the renewed and refreshed me on the other side. she’s worth patience and love and compassion. she’s fucking badass, a fierce lover and liver and giver… she knows how to receive too. she knows how to rest and relax and enjoy. she knows how to laugh and how to please herself. she knows what she needs. she’s already here with me, helping me emerge from the layers i’ve been hiding under.
she’s helping me understand that it’s not only okay to feel light, but that it’s wonderful. not to carry the burdens of the world, of the things we cannot change, and to be easier on ourselves when we’re doing our best.
i often hold myself to unrealistic standards in all aspects of life, trying to be everything at once, but all i can be is me… and as long as i approve of who i am, i can glide through this world at ease, with ease, with grace, with love.
xo,
sam rose
The Creatrix and Editor in Chief (aka Creatrix-in-Chief) of Pussy Magic, sam is an author, poet, and editor originally from the Bay Area with immense passion for healing self-expression, community, and positively changing the lives of all folx through holistic healing and honoring our sacred selves: mind, body, and spirit.
She's the author of L’ACQUA (2017), is the host of Satin Soulbits, a limited-series podcast focused on womanhood and sexuality, and editor of the Satin Soulbits Blog. Her writing has been featured in The Sonnetarium @ Rhythm & Bones, Occulum, ILY Mag, Rose Quartz Magazine, Tiny Flames Press, and more. sam offers Sacred Serpent Writing + Healing sessions to bring people more intimacy with themselves and their writing which you can find more info about on her website. She currently resides in Los Angeles with her partner and plant babies.
Find more about sam, her writing, and her offerings on her website and follow her #soulbits on Instagram.