Vibe
Essay by Kristine Esser Slentz
“They needed to hear more about being with a woman. Thank you for sharing that,” my friend, and the only other woman at the table, whispered to me.
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“What is the best and worst sexual experience you’ve had?” was the question prompted by a viral New York Times article stating the 36 questions that can supposedly lead to love in relationships. All of us New York City transplants were out at a bar when this conversation enveloped us: four straight-identifying men, one woman – we’ll call her K – who was currently exploring her sexual identity and married to one of the men, and me—the unabashed bisexual.
They wanted to go around in a circle, of course starting with me—the furthest acquaintance from this particular friend group. I smiled, dropped my head to my dark beer, and passed while I “thought about it.” They graciously accepted while I started to internally ponder my own landmine of sexual experiences…
The men at the table added their escapades to this seemingly bar-banter of a conversation. Each one sharing their worst experiences with women, which consisted of: women’s untimely period problems, women’s bodies becoming too sensitive after orgasm; and women accidentally urinating while drunk, while the best moments mostly boasted tender minutes in a lover’s embrace and exciting locations in the backseat of a car.
This led to some pause, and not just from me. There were follow-up questions: Was this the first time you experienced a sexual encounter during someone’s cycle? Could you not touch her at all after orgasm? So, then what did you do? So, like, how much pee was there? Did she care? How did she feel about it? And overall, do you still talk to her?
In that moment, the thoughts that I ashamedly felt I couldn’t say aloud were: Is this fucking serious? Is this the conversation we’re having about sex as thirty-somethings in the “best city in the world” right now? Stressing over normal bodily functions and disgracing the women for having them as if they are unusual and depraved?
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My mind kept flipping through sexual scenarios I’ve been in, but mostly the horrific ones: multiple rapes, countless harassments, and wondering which of the following scenarios was worse: that time I thought I was sneaking out with a friend for some car sex but found that he'd planned for his large friend to be there as well, which ended with a drive into woods I didn't recognize? Or the time I was drugged and woke up naked next to a stranger? Certainly, these would not do because our social mores dictate that these things remain unmentioned to avoid discomforting or upsetting people. This was at a bar during a festive moment — a very public space — where a woman killing the vibe could be the biggest rule to break of all. Instead, I decided to pivot into a mad mental dash to bar-appropriate erotic hijinks. What would be amusing? What would be funny? What would keep the conversation light and the party going?
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Then, it was K’s, the only other present woman, turn to speak. Her best experience included a time with her husband in a sensual backseat rendezvous, which also happened to be his best experience too. Her worst experience was with a past partner. He had asked her for sex and she had not wanted to. He kept pushing to make love — he did not want to take no for an answer. Finally, she gave in. After he was finished, he said to her, “You know you wanted it.” At this, she looked down at her beer nodding. Then tells the table that that was the last time she ever had sex when she didn’t want to. “It was fucked up,” K said.
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Now, I had to speak. For my worst, I decided to go with the time my now-husband fell asleep on me while we were having sex. At this, one of my male friends asked for clarification, “But was he tired or drunk?” Why, yes — he had worked, acted in a show, and had a couple of beers. He gave a nod of approval. Interesting, I thought, or was it really? This way of questioning to defend another man is something I didn’t really notice before, and why? I pocketed that note and moved on with my turn. For my best, I depicted the first time I was “with” a woman in the very back of an SUV full of folks. Or better described as: the moment I knew I was truly attracted to women.
Stepping back into beer three that had now been switched to a cheap domestic, it wasn’t lost on me that these lovely, well-intentioned men tended to blame their partner for their worst experience, while I, the woman, subconsciously took on the responsibility of being the “worst.” Why did both K and I have such shielding body language? That reaction of being faced with these traumatic events had us looking away from the men and down into our supposedly liquid courage. This wasn’t the first time I’d detected something like this or the first conversation that had brought up not only the discrepancy between what a “best” and “worst” experience is, but also who gets the responsibility of being the worst in said experience. Once again, I was struck by how commonplace it is for women to have abusive or simply unsatisfactory stories in regards to sex. K and I both had them even though she was much braver in sharing hers than I was. I was also witness to further evidence that men seemingly have no clue that women — their friends and lovers — have many horrific stories as their go-to “worst.” They themselves have never experienced a "worst,” nor do they get that it is feasible that they may have been someone's worst — even if it wasn’t blatantly abusive.
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Then, K turned to me and said, “Thank you.” I was shocked. Shocked that she thanked me. Shocked that the men felt blameless. Shocked that the women felt shameful. Sadly, I was shocked that a woman would thank me for telling my truth.
Kristine Esser Slentz is a queer, experimental poet from northwest Indiana and the Chicagoland area. She is a Purdue University alum who double-majored in English literature and creative writing. Recently, she earned her MFA in creative writing (poetry) at City College of New York where she is an adjunct professor and an organizer of the MFA Reading Series. KRISTINE’s full-length manuscript has been long-listed, is a 2020-21 Glass Poetry Chapbook Series finalist, F(r)iction Spring 2020 Flash Fiction contest finalist, and will be completing a residency with Poets Afloat in the near future. Some places her poetry has appeared in or is forthcoming include Yes Poetry, Moonchild Magazine, The Shallow Ends, Glass Poetry, Pink Plastic House, Barren Magazine, Crab Fat Magazine, Philosophical Idiot, and Flying Island Journal where she was nominated for a 2017 Pushcart Prize.