A Recipe for Not Getting Sent to the Asylum by Your Husband, Again
Fiction by Christina Rosso
This foolproof family recipe has been passed down with each generation, starting with my great grandmother, Lucy. This particular blend is thanks to my sister, Jolene, who has not been sent to the Asylum for Disobedient & Disabled Wives by her husband, Rick, in two whole years. It’s absolute perfection! Every time I whip this up, my husband says I smell and taste like pie. If you follow this recipe, your husband won’t be able to get enough of you and certainly won’t be thinking about sending you away.
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Ingredients
3 feet of a heavy natural fiber rope, made from hemp
2 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon spice
A pinch of vanilla
A pinch of cayenne
1 cup of sexual plaything mixed with
1 tablespoon of up for anything he wants ½ cup of cooking and baking expertise ½ cup of housekeeping abilities
1 tablespoon of know when to keep your mouth shut
1 teaspoon of no feminist rantings, or anything he can construct as one ½ teaspoon of love
2 teaspoons of conventional beauty
2 tablespoons of worship him like the god he knows himself to be
1 tablespoon dreams of motherhood, because women who don’t want to be mothers are insane, literally
Directions
1. Preheat oven to the temperature of the hottest bath your skin can handle. You want it hot, but not to burn your skin. Your appearance is key, after all.
2. With an oven mitt, remove the oven racks, and set aside. You won’t be using them.
3. Tie the rope to the top of the inside of the oven door. Make sure it’s knotted tightly; you don’t want to get stuck.
4. In a medium bowl, mix sugar, love, conventional beauty, and worship together until smooth. Sprinkle in the pinch of vanilla.
5. In a small bowl, stir cooking, and baking expertise, and housekeeping abilities until smooth. Then combine with sugar mixture until it looks, and smells like vanilla cupcake batter. Set aside.
6. In a large bowl, mix spice, cayenne, sexual plaything, mouth shut, feminist rantings, and dreams of motherhood. The mixture will be chunky, and may make your eyes water. Move away from the bowl so your tears don’t blend with this mixture; it sours the batter and can dilute some of the effects, which could, in turn, get you sent to the asylum, again.
7. Once you’ve composed yourself, combine sugar mixture with spice. Stir until crumbly.
8. Remove your clothing.
9. With your hands, scoop dollops of batter from the bowl and rub into your skin.
10. Repeat until skin is completely saturated.
11. Open oven and crawl inside. How you do this is up to you. Pretzel or ball shape have received the best reviews from previous users.
12. Once situated, use the rope to pull the oven door shut.
13. Let yourself cook until flesh smells like vanilla with a hint of cayenne, and is as smooth as butter.
14. Use rope to open the oven door and crawl out.
15. Let yourself cool before showering and dressing. He’s going to love you.
Tips
It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be sad. Yes, users have died trying this recipe. Burning alive in the oven is still better than going to the Asylum for Disobedient & Disabled Wives. Trust me, I’ve been there. This recipe has saved me more times than I can count, and is intended to repeat as necessary.
You know, around the Full Moon when the blood between your legs is making your husband look like a bunny you’d like to sink your she-wolf teeth into, or when your husband mansplains the politics of abortions and women’s rights to you, or at parties when people ask if you’re the wife, as though you only exist as his arm candy, and you dream of saying, Give me a minute to murder him. Then I’ll be the widow. You imagine dragging his bloody corpse to the dessert table and sticking a serving spoon into his open throat.
When you think about that evening, you may want to wear your husband’s favorite dress and that necklace he gave you for Christmas that you hate. It’ll fool him into thinking you’re complaisant. Surprise him with his favorite meal for dinner. Sprinkle it with arsenic or another poison if you’d like. Make sure you have an escape plan before going down that road. As they say, Most roads lead to the Asylum for Disobedient & Disabled Wives.
It’s okay to think about it. Yes, I have, too. No one else has the right to decide this kind of thing for you.
If you decide you’ve met your limit, check out my Recipe for Offing Yourself Before Your Husband Sends You to the Asylum, Again.
If you enjoyed this recipe, please write a review, and tell all your girlfriends!
Comments
Regina Singer @Diary of a Baking Queen May 12, 2080 at 2:46PM
So glad I found this recipe! The hemp rope makes all the difference.
Maura Kensington July 3, 2080 at 10:30AM
My husband agreed to let me join a book club after trying this! Can’t wait to share this with the ladies!
Leslie James September 29, 2080 at 11:55PM
Just made this evening. I will never try “A Recipe for Tricking Your Husband into Not Sending You to the Asylum” again. This recipe is life-changing!
Christina Rosso is a writer and bookstore owner living in South Philadelphia with her bearded husband and rescue pup. Her debut collection SHE IS A BEAST was released from APEP Publications in May 2020. Her writing has been featured in FIVE:2:ONE Magazine, Digging Through the Fat, Ellipsis Zine, and more. Visit http://christina-rosso.com or find her on Twitter @Rosso_Christina.